From the perspective of someone with OCD, friendships can be difficult relationships to manage for a number of reasons. For one, it may feel overwhelming to spend time with others and enjoy social interaction when it feels like you are stuck inside your own mind. OCD has its roots in intrusive thoughts and obsessions that go beyond regular anxieties. When experiencing these, it can become exceptionally difficult to move focus elsewhere and participate in socializing, maintaining conversation, and simply enjoying time spent with those you cherish. Not only can this be discouraging, but it can make you feel like you need to isolate yourself from friends so as not to burden them or make them think that you are not having a good time. At times OCD can make it feel you’re completely alone, which is not only a very lonely experience, but can exacerbate the anxieties you’re experiencing. However, there is hope for maintaining friendships and creating strong bonds with new friends, even with OCD.
One of the most important aspects of any interpersonal relationship is communication. When it comes to OCD and friendships, communication is even more vital. Whether you feel comfortable disclosing your OCD to one, some, or all of your friends now or in the future is completely up to you. However, even if you don’t feel comfortable letting them know about your condition, you should feel supported enough to let them know you’re dealing with some tough personal stuff. This doesn’t have to be a serious, sit-down conversation, and it certainly doesn’t have to take over the entire friendship. It can really be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’m a bit emotionally tired today, do you think we could change the topic to something lighter?” if something triggering comes up in conversation.
If you are comfortable with disclosing your OCD to a friend or friends, you may consider letting them in on some of your compulsions so that they don’t inadvertently engage with them when attempting to help you. For me, this has been telling my close friends that when I ask them over and over whether it looks like I’m getting a cold sore or not, that what I’m really doing is reassurance seeking as a compulsion attached to my health-based OCD. While it was difficult for them not to provide me the comfort and reassurance that friends so naturally want to give, having them simply change the topic of conversation instead or ask unrelated questions that take the focus off my obsession has helped me immensely in the long term.
Now, if you’re here because you are a friend to someone with OCD and don’t suffer from it yourself, the following is some advice for you. Be kind, don’t judge, and remember that you are both individuals; OCD doesn’t need to become the epicentre of your friendship. It’s only one small part of what makes your friend a whole person. People with OCD are just people— our brains function a little differently and we may struggle in ways that are hard for you to understand, but we’re fundamentally the same as you. That being said, because our minds handle anxiety differently, it can be helpful for you to be mindful of compulsions and avoid involving yourself in them or engaging with them. As I mentioned as part of my own experience, a prominent compulsion that comes up in interpersonal relationships for people with OCD is reassurance-seeking. This may not be obvious at first, but if your friend is constantly asking you the same question (even if it’s phrased differently), they may be trying to neutralize an obsessive or intrusive thought by having others comfort them. Naturally, you’ll want to provide them with that comfort. Sadly, it won’t last very long and can actually exacerbate the problem long-term. It may feel weird or even cruel not to console them, but you must remind yourself that you really are helping them. You can try changing the topic, or, if they’ve disclosed their condition and it’s something that they talk openly with you about, you may even remind them that they are doing a compulsion. Remember, you don’t want to make them feel judged, so be gentle and take it slow. You may try saying something like, “Hey, I know you’re feeling a little bit stressed right now, but doing a compulsion helps OCD more than it helps you”. Beyond that, you could ask them if there’s something you can do together to get their mind off it or bring them some peace. When I’m really stressed, my friends often suggest getting a yummy treat like ice cream, or going to a place that makes me feel happy like walking through the local dog park to admire all the cute pups!
Being a friend to someone with OCD can present some difficulties, but it definitely doesn’t have to change things between you. Always remember that you are not there to be their therapist, you are there to be a friend. Showing them how much you care and want to do what you can to help can be more beneficial for their mental health than you would ever know!
Samantha Cartwright
Author
