By Jenna Kress
Today I begin my prep for a colonoscopy, a dreaded (some may say shitty) day for anyone, but a monumental one for me. In the fall of 2019, my therapist told me I should see an OCD specialist, which I am grateful for. I would be embarking on a journey using ERP to face discomfort and fear in order to gain my life back.
Right after my first session, in February, I went to Park City. That’s when it happened. The whispers about this scary new virus were becoming a reality as I flew back to Oakland, on the same day the quarantined cruise ship passengers departed the Oakland Port. I got on the plane and cried thick tears as we took off. The first cry I wouldn’t dare lift my hand to my face and wipe away the itchy wet feeling.
As the months passed, the irony grew. I started ERP primarily for contamination OCD, alongside the first global pandemic in over a century. Shortly after, I felt completely debilitated and housebound. I justified my fears with the shelter-in-place order, but as time went on, the world slowly adapted to a “new normal”. I truly felt trapped. I was locked inside my apartment like someone had thrown away the key, but inside wasn’t feeling so safe either. The previous relief felt by compulsions, like washing, now felt life – threatening. All it took was an unexpected splash of water to shut me down. Slowly I was making progress with ERP and my OCD resources. I knew this resident in my mind in ways I never had before. I made huge steps, but anything that I attached to COVID felt off limits.
People say ERP works and they are right, but no matter how many steps I was taking forward, OCD was pulling me back farther. My life felt unsustainable and I had to make a choice. My therapist gave me two options: surrender to myself and the life I wanted to live or surrender to the OCD. In October, I looked COVID fears dead in the face and acknowledged that my choices were not in line with my values. I decided to jump into the deep end, leave the bubble I had created, and drive with my boyfriend, and my OCD, back to Park City, the last place I felt somewhat “free”. It was an incredibly liberating week of doing really hard things and it all happened to coincide with OCD awareness week.
I used this new momentum and learned that I was much stronger and more capable than I thought, which leads us back to this moment: colonoscopy prep. You see, my procedure was scheduled for March. As our lives paused, I paused this procedure too. When November came, and my body started telling me it was probably time to reschedule, I listened. So here I am awaiting the thing I am beyond terrified of doing: sitting with the discomfort and fears that come with uncertainty, but allowing myself to just feel that instead of beginning the compulsive avoidance cycle all over again. I have laughed and cried thinking about the odds of me starting ERP immediately before COVID, but sometimes the world has a funny and horrifying way of throwing the exact unplanned exposures we need into our path. Not all are handled with grace, but I’m learning each moment is a moment of choice. Sometimes I still make choices out of fear over values, but I’m learning as I go. To me, people with OCD feel like superheroes. We face fears and make what feel like life and death decisions everyday to live our best lives.
